This morning, as normal, I was sitting journaling. I was trying to let my brain meander through some things. You see last week I ended up in a bit of a funk/dark spot. I couldn’t figure it out. All I knew was that people and things were annoying me in an unfamiliar fashion. The word that kept coming up was authenticity. I let this rumble around for a couple of days and I can tell you I felt so icky. Yes … icky … it is the only way to describe it. At some point in that time frame, I was having a conversation with my husband and he said … “who cares what that person is doing … be you. Show up the way you want to show up in the world.” I sank a bit because my ego so wanted him to side with me and tell me I was completely justified in my thoughts. Of course, what I wanted to hear was completely not what I needed to hear (which is what he told me) at all. So I let his words swim around in the soup of my thoughts.
Then it struck me as I came out of the shadows, the proverbial weeds. How others act and present themselves to the world is none of my business. I remember Brene Brown using words similar to that in one of her talks. Of course, only the way I show up is my business and that is why I was feeling off because I was not being true to me. I was letting my icky little me voice take hold. So Friday, I pulled myself up, dusted myself off, and went out into the world as me. Full-on Angela. It felt so good.
But something was lurking in the back of my brain. It got louder as the weekend went on. I couldn’t quite figure it out … it was annoying me and messing with my head. As I wrote this morning it came to me! It was an old pattern that was playing on its never-ending loop in the background about the physical me. It’s a loop that is so familiar I sometimes forget it’s running. That’s when I realized this is another layer of how I want to show up in the world. I hadn’t seen it that way before. You see the loop is my egos attempt to have me hide and be in the shadows because that way I feel less than. It gives me excuses in so many areas. Excuses are just another way of holding yourself in that old pattern. They are part of the escape clause in life. I would do this if only … you fill in the blank. I would wear “x” if only … you fill in the blank. I would be full-on in my life if only … fill in the blank.
So the realization that came was about showing up in all areas of life not just picking and choosing. If we pick and choose then we are leaving ourselves an escape hatch. We make excuses to ourselves as to why we don’t have to or can’t show up in some area. But those excuses hold us back … they keep us standing still because we are so busy looking at them, chasing them, we aren’t getting on with the parts of our lives we decide to show up in.
It’s all about stepping in fully. It’s about choosing to be 100% in, in all aspects of your life, and showing up exactly how you want to show up. It’s being full-on you … vulnerable, authentic, and standing courageously in full view.
So I will leave you with this … choices and taking steps lead you courageously out into the light. Excuses and standing still hold you in the shadows. If you have an area in your life where old patterns are holding on, then you are still in the shadows instead of dancing in the light. If this is the case please reach out to me as I would love to discuss this and assist you to dance in the light. (Contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org)