So many thoughts go through my head so often. I really do wonder sometimes how I keep anything straight at all. One thing I have always had is a good memory. When I read, I remember all kinds of detail. To be honest when I was really little, I liked reading. I had a number of books that were called big little books that I read several times. As I got older (early to late teens) I didn’t read much. I never found the books I had to read in school very interesting and I read relatively slowly so taking books out of the library was frustrating because I had to renew them so many times that I would just give up and didn’t finish them. Then in my early 20’s I started to get into reading. I soon found that same escape that I had found when I was young. I could just dive in and read and shut the world out. It served me well over the years and still does. There is nothing more wonderful then curling up on a rainy day with a good book and just losing yourself in it.
You may wonder how this relates to my story. Well, it plays along with it quite nicely. You see because of my circumstances and how I felt so much of the time I needed places to hide. I needed the escape. It didn’t serve me throughout my teenage years because I didn’t have anyone around me that truly enjoyed reading to make other book suggestions. I also didn’t have anyone in my life to tell me that it was okay if I didn’t read quickly because my retention was amazing and that was important. Instead what I heard so much was criticism and a lot of lectures from teachers because I would be behind in English class with whatever boring book that they were forcing me to read. Funny though, when I enjoyed the book my reading speed increased as well.
It may seem like a small thing, not being able to read fast, but it was another thing that set me apart from others. Or at least to a young girl turning into a young woman it seemed that way. It was one more way that I was different. What most people don’t realize is that each of these perceptively small things in a young person’s life really do have an impact. It adds to their self-talk and if they don’t have strong role models around to quiet or eliminate that self-talk, it grows exponentially. What I would say to all the beautiful young women out there is self-talk will happen but take it from a woman who has battled almost crippling self-talk, you need to quiet it. It is not easy, by any stretch of the imagination, but if you get in a habit of not allowing it, you will be able to hear the real voice of your heart. The voice that allows you to be you with all your differences from others. Because one thing I’m very thankful for is that I’m realizing my differences are amazing because they are an integral part of me and that I’m so worth celebrating and being on this planet in this life time.
A wise woman (who is one of my mentors) has explained numerous times that, regardless of what we do, people will judge us in some fashion. So why not be yourself, the real you, and be judged for that, as opposed to twisting yourself inside out and backward to be something/somebody else and be judged. I can tell you, I have done both as most of my life I twisted myself into someone else and it is exhausting and trust me I was judged all over the place. Now I’m learning to just be who I am deep inside and let it all fall where it may. My one true hope by doing this blog is that I will inspire woman of all ages to be their authentic selves. The you that you just can’t help being. My wish though is for that to happen right now and for you not to have to wait and toil through many years as I did. All my writings are done with much love and gratitude for myself, everyone reading, and the journey that I’m on.