I had an experience twice in the last two days that showed me I can be proud of myself and stop the self-bullying. I realized this morning and sat down to write this as a sense of pride, not from the standpoint of being arrogant, which is something I can’t stand or tolerate, but from a sense of stepping forward to love myself right here, right now. I realized this morning I have been caught in the huge egoic paradigm I have been perpetuating most of my life. I realized, as I took time, a few minutes of stillness that I’ve shifted away from that paradigm. I have shifted from bullying myself to a greater sense of loving myself.
The two things that happened to show me this were two separate incidents that happened within 24 hours of each other but dealt with the same issue. An issue that has been a part of my life for a long time. The first was I decided last minute, as in 3 hours before we left for the airport for a weeklong vacation in Mexico, to buy a new bathing suit. My thought going in was, “well even if I happen to lose some weight, it won’t happen today,” so I’m not wasting money. Oh, can you say another huge paradigm I struggle with as well (wasting money). That will be in another blog post. I head into the shop, a well-known ladies shop (which I always refer to the fat ladies shop, oh ya, no self-bullying/beating up there … again, another post) and I select the two piece suits I want to try on.
I had chosen the sizes I thought were appropriate and found out that they were not. Yep, didn’t even come close to fitting. And what do you think my wonderful ego started to do? Yep … oh my god, you have put on so much weight, this was a bad idea, thank god it is only the two of us that are going to Mexico so no friends will see what I look like … blah … blah … blah. I proceed to ask for different sizes and narrow it down and then I was at a spot of almost paralysis when I did something I would normally not do, I opened the door and asked the sales lady’s opinion. I openly showed myself and I said … “I can’t decide, I have put on some extra weight and it is clouding my judgement.”
I stood there with tears in my eyes and she told me not to worry that it’s winter and we all gain weight at this time of year. Her simple response allowed me that heartbeat to choose to just be me and let me show. She suggested a different top and I tried it on and wasn’t sure. She ran and got another size and it was the one. It showed my curves and didn’t make it look like I was hiding. I accented my body. I purchased it and left. I drove home thinking, I can either let this ruin today and the trip or I can choose to be right here, right now and move forward.
Fast forward 6 hours. We board the plan to Mexico and I sit in my seat. What do you think happened? First thing I did was go to put my seat belt on and I can’t get it to buckle. It isn’t coming close. I said quietly to my husband that I couldn’t do my seat belt up. He, very discreetly, went to the closest flight attendant and asked for two extensions. He handed one to me and said “I’m going to need one too.” I knew in my mind that he didn’t, but it was another demonstration to me of how much he loves and supports me. I got all buckled in but as I did, I could feel that overwhelming feeling bubbling up. The tears were many, they were mighty, and they were just under the surface. I started fighting them, which was sending me inside into a panic of sorts. Then I stopped myself and said to myself “I am right here, right now … I can let this ruin the flight, the day, the trip or I can choose to be at peace right here, right now and not bully myself and go down the rabbit hole that this is going down.”
In that instance the tears quieted away. They disappeared and I was calm. In an instance I had gone from full on panic to being at peace. The flight was good and I heard a number of people of all shapes and sizes comment about the tightness of the seats on the airplane. As I heard each one, I thanked the Universe for showing me I wasn’t alone.
When we got to the resort and my husband and I were sitting gazing out at the sparkling ocean with a margarita in our hands talking, I turned to him and said … “I am so proud of myself.” He asked for what and I relayed how I had felt in that moment on the plane. I knew he had a sense because he is very sensitive to my energy but because he truly loves me and supports me, he allows me the space to go through it and then talk when I have the words to say it out loud. He hugged me and said, good for you, and gave me the most wonderful smile and touched me with the most loving touch.
Later when we went to the pool, he saw my new bathing suit and told me how much he liked it. I told him the story of buying it. I again started the story by saying I was proud of myself. He gave me a huge hug and said good for you.
I woke this morning with a song in my heart and such a sense of being me. I had to share these experiences with you because I know there are 1000s of women/girls of all ages doing this bully thing to themselves and it has to stop.
We are all beautiful and we are amazing. Trust me, the people around you, that truly love you, see it already. So, here is the thing, shouldn’t we see it in ourselves as well? Do we truly love and accept ourselves? Today I say, yes, I love myself and I’m going to allow that wonderful feeling to flow through me all day because I am right here, right now. Will you join me and do the same for yourself? You are worthy, you are important, you are loved, you matter, you are you and it is wonderful.